Stake Land Review
30 Oct 2011 Leave a Comment
in Movie Review Tags: horror, horror movie, movie review
Happy Halloween, everybody! Halloween is one of my favorite holidays, so naturally I celebrate it by overloading on scary movies and children’s Halloween specials. This year, I found myself watching the film Stake Land, which I’ve decided to review for my blog. Before I get started, I have a couple of warnings.
TRIGGER WARNING: I have to warn that rape is an element in this movie. It doesn’t contain graphic rape scenes in it, but it’s implied that it did or was going to happen. I won’t be discussing it in great detail in this review.
WARNING: This is going to be an in-depth review, so I’d beware of spoilers. I’ll put up a spoiler warning for the ending if you’re okay with reading up until that point though.
This movie doesn’t have a complicated plot. It’s post-apocalyptic America because vampires have killed most of the population. We don’t get a huge amount of back story on that, but I don’t know how much you need for “vampires are killing everybody.”
We’re told the world is in ruin by our narrator, Milquetoast. Okay, his name isn’t really Milquetoast, it’s Martin. However, Milquetoast suits his personality better. Wait, did I say personality? Sorry, that’s the wrong word.
See, Milquetoast is one of those audience insert characters where things don’t happen to him, but around him. His involvement is so minimal it barely leaves any kind of mark on the plot or other characters. Had he been completely written out, they probably wouldn’t even have to change the script that much.
Anyway, back to the movie. Milquetoast explains how vampires have completely taken over. He recalls how they killed his family, which we get a flashback to, where he was saved by a mysterious stranger simply known as “Mister.” The rest of the movie follows them as they travel north to get away from the vampires. The idea is that vampires hate the cold because they’re cold-blooded, so they can’t survive up in “New Eden” (the north).
The vampires that appear in the movie are a much more in tune with vampires of old, where they’re most like feral animals than human. They lose some of the smarts you get with vampires like Dracula or Lestat, but they’re still ferocious creates that’ll fuck your shit up. Whether or not you like these types of vampires is all personal opinion. Personally, I can go either way if a movie is done well enough.
As Mister and Milquetoast travel, they come across locked-down towns that have managed to keep the vampires at bay. They go inside one of the towns for a bit to stock up and let the audience see how people are living in this world of vampires. It’s a typical post-apocalyptic world where everything is grimy and money is no longer a currency. In this world it’s medicine and vampire fangs, it seems. The people obviously don’t have access to enough water to bathe in, unless their women. Like most movies, the women will forever have access to make up, hair dressers and water.
While Milquetoast stocks up in the general store, the store clerk warns him about going north. From what the clerk says, someone rolled into town from that neck of the woods to say that there was no food up there. He gives the sinister warning that up there it’s not the vampires you have to worry about, but the cannibals.
Does anything come of this warning? No. Nothing. It’s said and then completely forgotten that the guy even spoke to him. Unless it was a reference to a group called the Brotherhood, which doesn’t make much sense. I think they put this line in and then forgot they did it.
Now, the Brotherhood are the human antagonists of the film. In this world, the Brotherhood is a radical Christian group that has apparently helped society cave in on itself somehow. They seem to believe God wants the world to be destroyed by vampires, like some sort of rapture. Or something. When you first see them, they look like a ragtag, tribal-like group. Somehow they took down Washington D.C. and have access to all sorts of shit. All while making you think they took a wrong turn on their way to the set of Clan of the Cave Bear.
Mister and Milquetoast end up pissing off the Brotherhood by saving a nun from two of their men who raped her, Mister killing them on-sight. We learn that the nun’s faith makes her very conflicted on everything happening around her. I couldn’t help but like her because you did understand and sympathize with her, even if you disagreed with some of her points.
Turns out one of the rapists was the son of the leader of the Brotherhood, Jebedia Loven, so they capture the three to get back at them. They leave Mister to be killed by vampires while handcuffed, but he kills them all despite this. Milquetoast, on the other hand, is later untied and told to go get water. Jebedia flat out tells him, “You’re free to run away. You won’t make it with those things out there.” And so Milquetoast just leaves. I’m not even kidding. He just walks right on out of there. The nun is left behind to be used by the men and she doesn’t put up a fight so that Milquetoast can escape. Not that he really needed the help, since the Brotherhood didn’t even care that he was leaving. Naturally, Milquetoast makes it to their car where Mister is waiting for him in the trunk. Yeah, I don’t know, just roll with it. They fight off a vampire and then flee because fuck that nun lady, I guess.
It’s okay though. They travel around more and pick up a bunch of other people. There’s Pregnant Lady and Marine Guy, who the Brotherhood beat up and shoved in a toilet for being black. The fact he’s black probably clues you in on how likely he is to make it to the end of the movie alive.
They eventually come across and overpower Jebedia, because for some reason he was helping barricade one of the roads. (Really, there’s a reason the leaders of a group aren’t supposed to be doing the footwork.) They tie him to a tree and leave him to get ate by vampires. After that, they find a U.S. Survivor Camp.
While partying down at the U.S. Survivor Camp, guess who they find? The nun! If you’re confused as to why or how she’s there, so am I! They don’t even explain how she got away or how she got to the camp on her own with no vampire fighting skills. Oh, I’m sorry. Jebedia did at one point say “She ran away.” Despite having taken down the entire country, the security in the Brotherhood is so lax it’s really easy to escape them. So easy it doesn’t even deserve screen time or more than a “she ran away” line. How was the U.S. government too incompetent to just kill them? It’s not like Bush was president anymore when this all went down.
Sadly, the party is ruined by the Brotherhood who somehow got themselves a helicopter and start dropping vampires down on everybody. It was actually kind of silly. The next day they realize the settlement can’t protect them when it’s raining vampires, so they head north again. The car breaks down and forces them to walk, which sucks for Pregnant Lady. When they camp out for the night, they’re attacked by Berserker Vampires, the hardest to kill according to Mister. Their chests are too thick to stab, so you have to get them in the back of the head. The group’s only chance is to run and they do. When cornered, the nun asks for God’s forgiveness and kills herself while the others manage to escape.
Now, what I am about to explain next is spoilers for the end of the movie and you may not want to continue. It also gets really silly.
SPOILERS
The group finds an old abandoned bus to live in for awhile, which makes kind of a nice home for them. You do get to see them interact in a friendly way, but you’re still left not knowing all that much about them. I still didn’t give two shits about anybody outside of Mister and the Nun.
In the middle of the night Marine Guy goes out to pee and never returns. The group finds his dead body in the morning, proving the audience was right about his lifespan. Mister notes this is a new kind of thinking vampire that was able to get across his traps without being noticed. The country was completely destroyed by creatures that don’t think. Awesome. Later on, the thinking vampire lures Mister and Milquetoast away from Pregnant Lady so that it can kidnap her.
The two end up being able to find her due to her horrific screams, finding her tied up and bloody inside an abandoned building. It’s there they come face-to-face with the thinking vampire. And that vampire is…
Jebedia fucking Loven.
According to Jebby, the vampires didn’t kill him but turned him so that he could become one of them. He believes this makes him some kind of chosen one. I guess this was meant to be commentary on his extremist belief and how it helped him become a thinking vampire, but it ended up just being super silly and not needed. It was even more ridiculous when Mister’s battle with him was incredibly anti-climatic. Mister does have his hands badly wounded, leaving Milquetoast to be in charge of taking over driving and fighting.
After the battle, Milquetoast mercy kills Pregnant Lady and they continue on. They come across one last person on their journey, a young woman named Peggy. She’s sealed herself up in the restaurant once owned by her mother and has been surviving due to her skills in archery. She and Milquetoast meet and fall in love pretty quickly.
Mister realizes the two are growing fond of each other so he decides it’s his time to move on and leave Milquetoast with her. I’m not even kidding. He sees them being love-dovey a couple of times and takes off the next morning. And the audience is supposed to accept it as the only logical step for him to take, even with his injured hands. Peggy and Milquetoast get in the truck together to drive off to “New Eden” without Mister.
I’ll be brief and simply say, I hated the ending.
END SPOILERS
In the end, was it a terrible movie? No. It was okay and I didn’t find myself hating it. It left much to be desired and I thought the ending was stupid, but it wasn’t horrible. If I ever see it on TV and nothing else is on, I’ll watch. I think it would have worked better without the addition of Milquetoast and the Brotherhood, to be honest. The vampires were a big enough hurdle. The Brotherhood ended up being really unnecessary and even outright stupid.
Oh and if you’re wondering how Mister and Milquetoast protected the cars at night, Mister seems to have a neverending supply of wire fencing. You’d think if it was that easy to keep yourself safe from vampires, the world wouldn’t have succumbed to them so easily. I guess that’s what happens when it rains vampires though.
Truly Outrageous Beginning: Jem and the Holograms
06 Oct 2011 2 Comments
in animation, TV show rant Tags: cartoons, rant, tv show
After a long ass time of having nothing to say, I decided to try the whole blogging thing again. I’m not entirely sure I’ll stick with it. It never hurts to try though.
I racked my brain for things I could even write about. I debated maybe talking about personal issues of my life, but then I decided that’s depressing as fuck so no. I’ll probably talk about it sometime, of course. I just have no interest in it being the focus of anything.
Then I realized I love to yell at television. That’s when it hit me. I’ll dedicate a blog to all the shit I wanna yell at. It’s perfect!
Without further ado, the first show up for discussion is Jem and the Holograms. I remember being a small child and watching this horrendous show of glam rock, ridiculous fashion and asshole characters. I also remember loving the fuck out of it. So, when the Hub channel began showing reruns of it this past summer, I got excited to see it again. And it came on after My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic, as if to give me an extra dose of girly awesomeness.
Oh my God, it’s awful. Awful in that delicious I can’t quit you way. The fashion is ludicrous, even by 80s standards, and it was written like a soap opera might be. Well, minus the pregnancies, comas and murder. There’s attempted murder though. I believe that should count.
For those who might not remember the show, or never watched it in the first place, it’s kind of a pre-Hannah Montana Hannah Montana show. Only it comes with that awkward realization that Jem never gives you any kind of motivation for her double life. I guess that’s not true. She does, but it’s a really, really stupid reason.
Jerrica Benton is the show’s leading lady; she’s the daughter of Emmett Benton who owns half of a company called Starlight Music. The other half is owned by the show’s big bad, Eric Raymond, who is probably the worst businessman you’ll ever met. In other words, his motivation for being the show’s villain makes no damn sense. I’ll get to that later.
Anyway, Jerrica’s Daddy Warbucks dies and leaves her his half of the company. He also leaves her a giant computer that turns her into a super star named Jem. Yeah, I don’t really know why he built that technology or why he didn’t reveal it until his death but there you go. And that’s how it starts. Jerrica’s dad dies and gives her a computer that projects holograms that will turn her into a rock star. The sad part is, this is the least stupid thing in this show.
Why does she keep her identity as Jem a secret? I don’t know. The only half-ass explanation we get is, “Her boyfriend, Rio, hates being lied to.” So that means she can’t let him know she’s Jem because then he’d know she was lying to him…. Although, she wouldn’t be lying if she just told people she’s Jem. And it paints kind of an ugly picture for their relationship. She knew she was Jem for like five minutes and was already terrified to tell Rio because “he’ll get angry.” Like, holy shit, red flag there, Jerrica. Dump that motherfucker. There are a few times she’s about to tell him, but homeboy is either being an ignorant asshole or having a temper tantrum over someone “lying to him.” This always scares her out of telling him.
Even if you put the temper aside, I’d dump the stupid fuck for being unable to recognize my face and voice. And it’s not like he only sees her sometimes or for brief moments. He’s her road manager and an engineer for the band! He sees her every time she turns around. Then, without knowing she’s Jerrica, he starts up a relationship with Jem, too. I mean like they kiss and get all romantic with each other. Girl, he is cheating on you with yourself. What are you doing?! Even if it’s an open relationship, he is having a relationship with you and still manages to have no idea it’s you. What are you doing with him?
However, Jem’s no prize herself. Even as a kid I thought she was a huge tool. For lack of a better example, Jem and the Holograms are kind of like Bono. They annoy the fuck out of everybody and won’t shut the fuck up about charity. Yeah, I know, we should like them for their charity work, but that’s really the only thing that defines them as good people. They get up on stage, sing about saving the world, and raise some money to throw at the cause. Yeah, that sounds like a lot of singers, but it’s hard to explain the self-righteous attitude that Jem and the Holograms possess about it. And the writers use it as a crutch to avoid having to do any real character development. It’s like they don’t think they could make us like them on their personality alone so they just gave up on that idea. The Holograms don’t even do their charity work properly, if you ask me.
See, Jem runs a foster home. Yeah, she has a goddamn foster home she runs out of her mansion. Did I mention the show goes out of its way to make her White Lady Jesus? The thing is, I believe she’s doing more harm than good by doing it. She wasn’t that good at looking out for them. In one episode, she handed one of the girls over to a strange man because he had red hair. Okay, there was a little more to it but still. It was really obvious he was lying about being the girl’s father and she still gave the kid over to him. They didn’t even bother to double check. They let him run off with her alone. Those kids sure are in safe hands, huh? Nevermind how often all of them have run away without much effort.
On top of her shitty parenting, she also can’t afford it, which is a fact I can’t swallow. She always has to do concerts and shit because “all her profits” go into the Starlight House. I call bullshit Jem. You can’t paint her as the biggest rock star in the world and dirt poor at the same time. My mom’s parents raised 10 kids on not even a fourth of what a rock star should be making. They had hard times, but they made that shit work. Jem’s only got 2 more to her list, minus the occasional addition when you need someone to be addicted to drugs for an episode. So I don’t buy that crap about all of it going to take care of the girls. Unless she’s buying them Prada for school and caviar for dinner, she should have enough to take care of them without being constantly in the poor house. Or, here’s an idea Jem, sell your mansion and get a cheaper house.
The other half of her shitty charity work, includes getting charities to shoot themselves in the foot. This needs a little background to explain. Every other band that appears on the show is a rival. In real life, bands don’t necessarily see each other as rivals unless they just don’t like the other group. In fact, a lot of bands are pretty buddy-buddy with each other. Not in the world of Jem! In real life, it would be warning bells to everybody else if all the other bands hated Jem. We’d all be wondering what the hell is she doing to them to make them so angry. In Jem’s world, the fact all of them hate her is just part of the martyr complex necessary to be White Lady Jesus.
One of those rival bands is the Misfits. They’re a rock group that is the Hologram’s main competition for being the most popular band in America or some bullshit. I know the Misfits are assholes and… yeah, they have kind of tried to murder Jem before. (Why not just call the cops, Jem?) They trash rooms, cause trouble and tried to run over Jem with a bulldozer. Still they have more development. I mean they built themselves up from nothing (except for maybe Pizzazz). Jem just woke up one day to become famous without an ounce of hard work put into it. The Misfits each have their own story. Pizzazz was a rich girl too, but she was estranged from her father after being spoiled rotten by him. Roxy is illiterate and grew up in a shitty neighborhood where everybody told her she’d be nothing for the rest of her life. I don’t remember Stormer’s back story, but she was the sweetheart of the group. She was always the one who felt kind of guilty about the crap they’d be pulling. Jetta came from a poor family in England and was a pathological liar because of her shitty home life. As my friend Doug said, the Misfits were the ones acting the most like a real life rock band on the show.
Jem and the Holograms? Jem’s a self-righteous asshole, Aja is the token Asian girl, Shana is the token black girl and Raya is the token Hispanic girl. Raya is poor, but that’s about it. Shana does fashion and Aja… does car stuff? I don’t know, if the show didn’t care, why should I? Kimber was the only one who ever got a personality. She’s Jem’s younger sister who’d sometimes have a childish tantrum over Jem getting more attention than the rest of them. On the one hand, yeah, she was kind of a little kid about it. On the other it was refreshing to see someone in the Holograms not be perfection on legs. You also kind of understood where she was coming from because Jem DID hog the spotlight from everybody.
Back to my original point about charities shooting themselves in the foot. A lot of the trouble Jem had with the Misfits was because Jem legit cannot share the limelight. I think if the Misfits could get more attention, they’d leave Jem alone. Despite how famous the Misfits were, nobody wanted anything to do with them. Yes, they’re assholes, I get that. In the world of business, however, it’s the money that talks, not the attitude. Charities would often tell the Misfits to piss off and only wanted Jem to perform. Like, dude! You know how much more money you could make if you had two of the biggest bands in America playing at your bullshit? Really? You’re gonna throw that away over some petty crap?
And talk shows only want to talk to the Holograms or studios only want to make movies about them. The Misfits almost had to be underhanded to get any attention away from Jem. We were supposed to dislike them, I know, but even as a kid I wanted the show to be about them and not Jem. They have pasts I could relate to better. They actually had to work for their fame while Jem had it handed to her. I noticed how no one every gave them any attention until they forced them to give it to them. Men basically spat on them so they could run over and cuddle with Jem. I’m not even kidding. There was a scene where Pizzazz had to kiss some guy for a video and immediately after, he wipes his mouth and makes his disgust known. We were supposed to be on his side but all I could think was, “Holy fuck, what a douchebag!” In short, I understood why everybody was always angry at Jem. She really did hog the spotlight and then acted as though she had no idea it was happening. You’re such a damn liar, Jem. I see through your crap. And I could never side with the charities who were willing to hurt their cause over Jem drama. If you think about it, this means the Misfits weren’t even going to be paid. They had to fight with Jem to not make money and to help a cause just because the Holograms couldn’t share any attention. Before you can say, “That’s the charities choice, not Jem’s,” I would normally agree if the Holograms didn’t make it obvious they agreed with the decision wholeheartedly.
I think the third season was when I stopped watching as a kid because they ditched the Misfits for a new rival band. While the Misfit were, in my opinion, better than the Holograms, the Stingers were worse than the Holograms. Song-wise, at least. Again, they had more interesting personalities and histories. Riot, the lead singer, was disowned by his overbearing father for getting a dishonorable discharge from the military. He went AWOL to play in a band, which is what got him kicked out. Then he and the other members, Minx and Rapture, lived on the streets trying to make something of their band and they did. Again, they worked ten times harder in one day to become musicians than Jem has her entire career. Then Jem had a weird romance with Riot and he kind of was a better boyfriend than Rio. I still don’t know why Jem liked Rio so much. Outside of his temper, he was basically a piece of sandpaper. Then again, birds of a feather and all that.
And I promised to make you realize Eric Raymond’s motivation makes no sense by the end of this. A promise is a promise, so let me explain. Eric is the manager for the Misfits, so Starlight Music has both the Misfits and Jem and the Holograms working for their company. Although, Jem and Eric act like they’re part of two separate feuding companies half the time. For some reason, he focuses all his energy on the Misfits alone and is trying to ruin Jem and the Holograms. If he owns half of the company, that means he should want to make more money for the company. Having two popular rock bands would be bringing in serious bank. Actually, maybe not. Jem has admitted she never makes any profit so I don’t think any music company would want to deal with her. But this makes Jem’s motivation to get rid of the Misfits make even less sense! If you’re making no profits and are strapped for cash as it is, wouldn’t you want the Misfits to bring in money for your company? Companies don’t work like bedrooms where you can put a piece of tape down the middle and go “That side is mine!” I thought she wanted to raise money for those foster kids. Or is this another case of petty arguments getting in the way of logic again? Really, she and Eric should be more or less on the same moneymaking team. Yeah, they’d have different motivations, but they still shouldn’t want to see the other fail because that means half of their business fails. When a company goes under, you don’t lose one half of it alone. You lose the whole damn thing! I guess most kids didn’t think about that or the fact the company had no CEOs or a board of directors. I didn’t know all the details of the business world as a child, but even then I thought it was bizarre that they wouldn’t work together for money. The only difference was that Jem needed it for her humanitarian bullshit and Eric wanted his cut for profit.
You know, Jem could do with a reimagining, I think. If done right, this could have been a much better show. Even while being incredibly dated with regards to fashion and music, the characters who did have personalities and tough lives are kind of timeless. If we weren’t that rough and tumble kid that everybody said would be nothing their whole lives, we knew that kid. Hell, even Jem is kind of timeless in a way. How many of us can think of someone who has had shit handed to them and hogged all the good luck? As odd as this might sound, I wouldn’t want them to change her in a re-imagining. I would like her other band members to be more developed, but the real change I’d want is that they get called on their bullshit. She can still act like the second coming and I would tolerate it if someone would just say it. Someone would call her on it and not paint her as perfection personified. And that not everybody fell madly in love with her and maybe if the Misfits would get a little more respect. It doesn’t need to be completely gutted, it just needs tweaking.
While this wasn’t a great show, I understand why people have fond memories of it. Or, at least, I understand why I did. It’s a lot like how soap operas really aren’t good, but you keep turning them on anyway. It’s like junk food for your mind. And, in my case, it gives me an excuse to yell at my TV again.
